Oh, you're engaged? Must I feign excitement?

Another one bites the dust. I was informed via text message of a her engagement. Upon returning from what I swear is her 10th episode in a bridal party in the last 3 years, her boyfriend of a year and a half has asked her to join the club.

Beyond my imminent fear of having to don a bridesmaid gown, I had a very strong reaction to the news for other reasons. I forced myself to respond with a text dripping with edited simplicity I am hoping she didn't see through for its clear falseness, condescension and horror: 'Congratulations!'

For me, this is the reaction I feel compelled to react with in order to spare the feelings of my friends getting engaged. I want to be supportive, I really do. But I'm torn between challenging the institution and accepting my friends as people, capable of making mistakes and with evolving politics, particularly relating to marriage. I just don't know how to reconcile my palatable distaste for the whole institution and complex relationship it has with civil rights. I will continue to feign excitement, suppress what I really want to say (Why in god's name would you do that?) and grimace through the ceremonies when the bride is not looking.

I've been struggling with how to react when someone forces their choice to upon me. What I think is, "Does this declaration come with a manifesto?" I want to know that you've thought through all the complications of this issue and arrived at a place that is politically and morally sound. I need deep thought, I need justifications. If me and my gays can't get married, how is that fair? Do you blindly move into a privileged, hetero world without even acknowledging how this resonates with a broader culture of inequality? Why do you think you deserve state and federal benefits more than unmarried folks? What about the very real chance you'll end up like the more than 50% of Americans whose marriages end in divorce? How will marriage actually change anything about your relationship for the better? Are you doing this just to validate you in certain social circles? How do you reconcile the historical role marriage has played in the oppression of women; as a tool to ensure that men can transfer property down their lineage with greater assurance that 'their' progeny is theirs?

AHHHH. Ok, clearly, I am not headed in that direction, but I have thought deeply about these questions and reconciled that marriage is not a system I feel comfortable joining. But too many of the people who have told me they are heading down the aisle as of late have one thing on their mind: this is what I've always wanted (like since you were a little girl and thought deeply about social systems bathed in oppression) and they want to procreate. Babies = Marriage? I don't think so. I think you can be committed without being married. I think you can reproduce successfully without getting married. I think marriage is opting into a system of privileged that, if blindly entered into, only enhances the inequality in civil rights for people in this country. It can't just be about celebrating your love no matter how you cut the cake.