Chaa Chaa Cha Chaanges

So a few things are shifting in my life:
1. Housing.
I'm moving into the ultimate hippy commune/my own garage apartment where I'll only have to share a kitchen/laundry area with people. I love it. My current roommate has destructed into a slobby, inconsiderate ghost. I look forward to clean spaces where the mess left for weeks at a time is entirely mine!

2. Grad School.
I'm applying to Law School/Public Policy schools where I can get a joint degree and focus on women's studies. I know....science-enviro-nerd....now doing law? Well, I love the idea that I can be flexible, will possess a skill that will be applicable to all my social justice causes and provide me the means to be effective in my intellectual pursuits! Yay! More on that later....

3. Work.
My best friend just got fired from our job and it's been hard to keep morale high. I know it was partly her fault, but it nonetheless damaged the family-like quality of work I've been enjoying. I may just go work at whole foods if I can't handle it prior to entering graduate school. Who knows? Also, another co-worker was systematically pigeon-holed into quitting. She was a huge problem for me for a long time and just in the last 6 months, I had figured her out. I also got mad props at my job for learning to work with her. I know it's because of my Buddhist practice. She challenged me to figure out a way to deal, be compassionate, and ultimately build a relationship with her. While I wouldn't trust her as far as I can throw her and don't actually see her as a friend, I have a comfortable faux working relationship with her. And she quit. :( I won't miss a lot, but the less-than-a-handful of things I will miss, will be genuinely missed.

4. Love.
I'm in deep. Its wonderful. And he's moving. My Buddhist practice, once again, keeps things in perspective. When we're together: magic, fireworks, explosions (the only way!!!). The move will give us perspective. Are we meant to be? Only time will tell....and buddhism is keeping me in the moment, enjoying every second of it.

5. Family.
Mine is awesome. Littlest bro and sis are planning to visit me. Bro is hoping to move here (AMAZING, Progressive, great music-filled, young-person-filled area) and I know he'll love it. Anything is better than the conservative, elderly, polluted south. Sis is needing an escape and I miss her dearly. I hope they visit before I head down to s. America!

6. Bike Tour.
Planning takes forever. If I'm headed to Law School next fall...well....right before I enroll is the ONLY chance for freedom-based goals to be fulfilled. So, I'm doing a bike tour of some historical region of the U.S. or Canada. Thinking a month and a half of cycling. And possibly by myself. AND I'm shaving my head. Cliche? Sure. But something I've always wanted to do. Why? Freedom. From sexual desirability. From beauty pressures. From mainstream culture. From myself. And, when the hell else will I ever get the chance to do this again? As a lawyer? Hayl naw! So I gotta do what I can while I still can.

Self-Awareness can be a curse

I have come to realize that my smile: is a complex expression; happiness, sadness, manipulation of others. I resent and embrace that my primary source of power in this society has to do with my looks.

I have come to realize that when I talk: I still haven't shut down the voice in my head that tells me I'm stupid. It delays what I have to say and sends me offtrack more than it should at my age. I am intimidated by what I perceive others to think.

I have come to realize that if I get emotionally attached to someone: That kind of investment doesn't go away.

I have come to realize that I need: artistic expression combined with at least the feeling I'm making a difference.

I have come to realize that I lost: my need to make everyone think the way I do. I have a lot more respect for differences of opinions than I ever had. I am nonetheless extremely radical and opinionated and happily discuss my point of view with respectful friends.

I have come to realize that I hate it when: people only act in their self interest. I am too big hearted to understand how people can be totally self-serving. I hate feeling like I have no back up plan. I am not comfortable with taking great risks.

I have come to realize that if I'm drunk: I can be mean. Anger is a common denominator in my life for good and bad. I try not to get drunk.

I have come to realize that marriage: is a way to force heteronormativity down women's throats at a young age and the wedding culture makes me want to vomit. I reject the religious institution
it was born out of and resent the lack of equality set out by those backing hetero marriages....i.e., it ain't for me. If gay marriage becomes legal, I might consider joining the club.

I have come to realize that work: is so much better if you feel like you're making a difference and can see the big picture.

I have come to realize that I will always be: able to see the problem for what it is; figuring out the solutions will be a tougher matter. Also, I need to be around people. Solitude is not my favorite pastime.

I have come to realize that I like: surrounding myself with other independent, thinking women.

I have come to realize that the last time I cried was: when my lover told me he may be moving away. I am happy for him, but I fear losing him again. When will I feel strong enough to handle it?

I have come to realize that when I wake up in the morning: I enjoy doing the dishes, laundry and ironing. I am a morning person apparently. Or I just need to be in a vegetative state to enjoy mundane tasks.

I have come to realize that today I will: Try to balance living in the present with a fear and anticipation of what may come.

I have come to realize that tonight I will: be in the arms of the man I love, and that those times are always limited and should be cherished when they can be.

I have come to realize that tomorrow: I have a list of things I really need to figure out...but probably won't.

I have come to realize that I really want: a life fully lived, with a partner and a healthy sense of indepence.

I have come to realize that my favorite place in the world is: travel with good friends.

I have come to realize that I'm most thankful for: knowing the everything that happens is meant to be and I just have to have faith in myself and learn to be fully appreciated.