Self-Awareness can be a curse

I have come to realize that my smile: is a complex expression; happiness, sadness, manipulation of others. I resent and embrace that my primary source of power in this society has to do with my looks.

I have come to realize that when I talk: I still haven't shut down the voice in my head that tells me I'm stupid. It delays what I have to say and sends me offtrack more than it should at my age. I am intimidated by what I perceive others to think.

I have come to realize that if I get emotionally attached to someone: That kind of investment doesn't go away.

I have come to realize that I need: artistic expression combined with at least the feeling I'm making a difference.

I have come to realize that I lost: my need to make everyone think the way I do. I have a lot more respect for differences of opinions than I ever had. I am nonetheless extremely radical and opinionated and happily discuss my point of view with respectful friends.

I have come to realize that I hate it when: people only act in their self interest. I am too big hearted to understand how people can be totally self-serving. I hate feeling like I have no back up plan. I am not comfortable with taking great risks.

I have come to realize that if I'm drunk: I can be mean. Anger is a common denominator in my life for good and bad. I try not to get drunk.

I have come to realize that marriage: is a way to force heteronormativity down women's throats at a young age and the wedding culture makes me want to vomit. I reject the religious institution
it was born out of and resent the lack of equality set out by those backing hetero marriages....i.e., it ain't for me. If gay marriage becomes legal, I might consider joining the club.

I have come to realize that work: is so much better if you feel like you're making a difference and can see the big picture.

I have come to realize that I will always be: able to see the problem for what it is; figuring out the solutions will be a tougher matter. Also, I need to be around people. Solitude is not my favorite pastime.

I have come to realize that I like: surrounding myself with other independent, thinking women.

I have come to realize that the last time I cried was: when my lover told me he may be moving away. I am happy for him, but I fear losing him again. When will I feel strong enough to handle it?

I have come to realize that when I wake up in the morning: I enjoy doing the dishes, laundry and ironing. I am a morning person apparently. Or I just need to be in a vegetative state to enjoy mundane tasks.

I have come to realize that today I will: Try to balance living in the present with a fear and anticipation of what may come.

I have come to realize that tonight I will: be in the arms of the man I love, and that those times are always limited and should be cherished when they can be.

I have come to realize that tomorrow: I have a list of things I really need to figure out...but probably won't.

I have come to realize that I really want: a life fully lived, with a partner and a healthy sense of indepence.

I have come to realize that my favorite place in the world is: travel with good friends.

I have come to realize that I'm most thankful for: knowing the everything that happens is meant to be and I just have to have faith in myself and learn to be fully appreciated.